When the Wheels Fall Off: My Journey to Find God Again

What happens when everything in your world is turned upside down?

That's the question I have been asking and trying to answer for three years. It has been a dark time. It has been a time when I have turned away from God. I have been angry at Him, at my family, at people who hurt me deeply.

My family has suffered because I have not been able (or willing) to lead them. I have prayed that God would take my life to spare my family the burden of living with this broken man whom they call husband or father.

In time, I will share some of the events that led to this dark time. For now, it is enough to say that there are times in our Christian walk when we seem to be alone.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

The Downward Spiral

Three years ago, I had to give up a floundering ministry. There are a number of reasons for this, some of them I created, some of them were created by others. Today, I can look back at this time and declare that it was the best decision for me and my family. At the time, however, it was difficult and crippling. It shattered my confidence in myself and my God. I felt hopeless -- and useless. I was of no use to my family or to myself.

After spending half a year in the same town where I gave up the ministry, we had an opportunity to move. My wife got a job in a different state, and we packed our bags to start this new journey. It was so important for our family to get out of the place that had turned toxic for us. We did leave good friends and family when we moved, but a fresh start was best for us.

Unfortunately, when we moved, I carried those feelings of uselessness and inadequacy with me. We thought this would be a good opportunity for me to get back into ministry, but the shadows of the past haunted me. I felt like I was submerged to my shoulders in quicksand, about to go under and suffocate.

A Glimmer of Hope

There was one ray of hope during this time. Although it was difficult for me to attend church, or read my Bible, or pray, I was still able to listen to Christian music. In fact, my daughter (now 9-years-old) insisted that we listen to Christian radio in my car. While many parts of my soul were covered by darkness, the radio brought some hope.

Photo by Courtney Corlew on Unsplash

We listened to K-LOVE and other Christian stations. We listened to songs of hopefulness. We listened to songs of trust in the midst of despair. We listened to songs that uplifted us.

For three years, I have listened to Christian music daily. Each day, the lyrics would penetrate a small portion of my soul. There has been no dramatic, overnight change in me. The truth is I am still a long way from where I want to be in my spiritual pilgrimage. But, I am getting there.

Photo by Charles Black on Unsplash

My greatest regret is that my family has suffered due to my inability to move on. I have not been able to lead my family, and we have all suffered greatly because of that. The road to spiritual healthiness will be a long one. I am sure there will be many bumps along the way. But, we must start down this road.

Where Do We Go From Here?

So what, you ask? Honestly, I am not really sure. I want to once again share our family's journey of faith. I want to share with you resources and insights from our Christian journey. I want this site to be a place where broken people can come, lean on each other, and press on.

We are in no way ready to show you a healthy, happy Christian family. We probably never were. I do think, however, that our many failings will make us better able to share a real and evolving faith.

So Faith of This Father is back. I plan to go through some old content and revise it. I plan to share our current journey. I plan on writing and sharing my personal journey to find God again (He never left, I just lost sight of Him) through Bible studies.

Please, let me know how I can help you. What would you like to see from Faith of This Father? Send me an email: faithofthisfather@gmail.com