Generational Parenting: The Gift that Keeps On Giving

My children have spent a good deal of time this past year with their grandparents. My parents live 30 minutes from our family. My wife’s parents live a thousand miles away. But, our kids will get to see my wife’s parents three times this year, including Christmas at our home. The kids get to spend the night with my parents once in a while, too.

            When I look back at my childhood, I know that these times with grandparents are important. I lost my maternal grandparents when I was six-years-old, my paternal grandfather when I was seven-years-old, and my paternal grandmother when I was twelve. My kids don’t know how important these memory making times are for them. I thank God that they have all of their grandparents. I also thank God that they are building great memories of these times.

            I appreciate how important the role of grandparenting is to the young child. My children adore their grandparents. My son follows both of his grandfathers everywhere they go. My daughter thinks the sun, moon, and stars orbit around her grandmothers. They love to hear stories about their grandparents as they were growing up. I think they love even more to hear their grandparents tell them stories of my wife and me as children.

            My son is learning things from his grandfathers that he cannot learn from me. My son is fascinated with hunting. I don’t hunt, but both of his grandfathers have hunted. They can tell him stories about tracking a deer or an elk and making the kill that simply leave him in awe. His grandfathers show my son their rifles or knives and he admires these men in his life who have provided for their families through hunting.

            My daughter is learning things from her grandmothers, too. She helps them cook, or bake cookies. She loves to spend the night with my mom, and my mom will paint my daughter’s fingernails. Grandma buys her pretty dresses. Granny (my wife’s mother) got her a jewlery box for her birthday.

            It is amazing to me how my son gravitates to his grandfathers while my daughter gravitates to her grandmothers. They seem to have that inate sense of maleness or femaleness, and they have turned to their grandparents in affirmation of that sense.

            Over Thanskgiving week, we traveled to my in-laws home. There, the kids got to run wild in their grandparent’s home. My son got to shoot rubber band guns that his Grampa had made. The kids got to play board games with their grandparents -- and my kids even played by the rules, without cheating!! We got to go into the woods and decorate a tree with pinecone ornaments dipped in peanut butter and bird seed, popcorn, and berries for the deer and rabbits to feast on. The kids got to ride in “Dead Red,” the family van that was built the same year my wife was born. Dead Red is a family legend, and the kids enjoyed riding in the legend. They searched for golf balls at the golf course adjacent to my in-laws house (and they found a couple to keep).

            We live in an age when children do not have the benefit of generational parenting. Often, families live far apart and cannot get together frequently. Our world is different from biblical times, when families lived in close proximity and a community was responsible for raising children into adulthood. I did not get to experience much of this generational parenting because my grandparents died when I was so young. My younger sister was too young to have any memories of her materal grandparents or her paternal grandfather. So I thank God for the blessings he is giving to my children. I also thank God that I can watch my parents show love to my children. As with all families, our family made mistakes and I didn’t always feel the love of both of my parents. But, as I watch my parents interact with love toward my children, I too am blessed.

For more Faith of This Father, you can like the Faith of This Father page on Facebook or follow on Twitter @faithotfather. Or email me at faithofthisfather@yahoo.com.

Faith in the Captain of the Boat

            I’ll never forget the look of fear in her face. She was convinced that she would die in just a couple of minutes. Her fear was unmerited, yet it was real to her. As her face turned ashen white, and I could see the pallor of death in her face, I knew this would be a memory etched in my mind for the remainder of my life.

            It started as a mission trip to St John’s, Newfoundland, Canada in August 2008. I was on a team from my seminary. During our time in Newfoundland, we were often prevented from doing what we had planned due to inclement weather. On one of these days, our team had time off, and we chose to take a whale-watching boat tour in the bay of St John’s. As we left the dock, things were going well. It was smooth sailing, with the 40-foot boat gently rocking us back and forth. Then we left the smooth harbor, and entered the choppy waters of the Atlantic Ocean. The ride was no longer smooth. Within seconds, water rushed over the deck, soaking our pants with sea salt. Water sprayed our faces, and coated my glasses. At this point, the woman began to panic. She was not a member of our mission team. She clearly did not have faith in the boat, the captain, or God. If she had looked at the crew, she would have seen that they were not scrambling, or worried about the ship sinking. But, she could not see this, or could not rationalize through her fear. It was real. She was dying. Nothing could be done to save her. Or so she thought. Her husband tried to calm her. The crew members tried to reassure her, but she could not be calmed. I have never seen such a look of fright in anyone in my life.

            That woman’s fear was unfounded. She was unable to trust the captain of our boat. Yes, the waters were rough. But, it was an amazing adventure. We were able to see a pod of whales within feet of our boat. At one point, a whale swam under the boat and we could see it in the water. It was an amazing experience which she missed because, even after her initial fears were overcome, she went inside the cabin and could not come out of deck to see the spectacle.

            Since that time, I have often thought of that woman. When I am thinking about faith and trust in an unseen God, I will often remember her face. She was able to see the calm demeanor of captain and crew, yet she did not trust what she was able to see. I have often wondered if my faith is like hers, or if I have a stronger faith like what I see in the New Testament believers.

            But, her story also reminds me of my role as a father. In many ways, my children look to me as I looked to the captain of that boat. My children are looking to me to see that everything is alright. They are looking to me when the waves crash over the bow of the boat of life to make sure that they need not fear. They are looking at me to know the right course to steer as the waves rise and fall. Will I steer directly into the wave, or will I angle the boat so that we do not take a direct hit? What a responsibility. I feel the weight of their trust many times.

            I have noticed that when my wife and I are anxious, our children feed off of that anxiety and fret. There are times when my wife and I will casually say, “Uh, oh, we have a problem,” or “Oh this isn’t good,” as we read a news story and our children immediately become concerned, asking what is wrong. It’s never something that they need to worry about. We have had to reassure our son that the “bad guys” are not going to break into our house at night and hurt us (we tell him our dog will bark and scare them off). This week, when a conversation involved someone burglarizing our home, we had to assure him that no one was going to break into our home (and why would they, the only thing we have of any value is our Blu-Ray player). My kids are looking to me for what is right and wrong, how to treat other people, when to help other people, and whom to trust.

            I am the guardian for my children at this stage in their lives. As they grow older, I pray that having learned some of the basics about faith and trust, that they will be able to make their own wise choices about what is right and wrong, how to treat others, and whom to trust. What a great reminder that God has entrusted me, for a very short period of time, with His children to guide and nurture. And what a great reminder that ultimately I need to impart to them the assurance that they can place faith in Jesus. They can trust him completely. He will never be unsure where to steer the boat, and He will never be wrong and sink the boat. That woman may have been correct in not placing complete trust in the captain of that whale-watching boat. My children will be right to question my legitimacy as captain in the coming years. But, my prayer is that they never question the ability of God to be captain and that they are able to place complete faith in Him. Regardless of the waves of life they will experience in life, Lord, may they trust in You.

For more Faith of This Father, you can like the Faith of This Father page on Facebook or follow on Twitter @faithotfather. Or email me at faithofthisfather@yahoo.com.

What Should We Teach our Children About Sin?

Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Deuteronomy 6:4-7

            The words of God, spoken to the people of Israel, are as relevant for the Christian today as they were so many years ago. God charges the people to take the lead in raising the next generation to know the Lord. As I look at American Christianity in the 21^st Century, I am worried that we may be falling short in this area, as we shy away from teaching our children about the Bible, or we “outsource” the teaching to our churches and Sunday School teachers.

            My concern started when I was putting my five-year-old son to bed one night. As is our custom, I was reading a couple of books to him before bedtime. He picked the books, and one book was a children’s Bible story book which had the account from Genesis 22 where Abraham is told by God to sacrifice his son Isaac. Of course, I know the story, and I know the ending of the story. Abraham travels three days with his Isaac, prepares an altar for the sacrifice, lays his son on the altar, and then hears the voice of God telling him to stop the slaughter. God then provides a ram to be sacrificed in place of Isaac. The episode is a test of Abraham’s faith in God.

            On that night, my son saw the illustration of Abraham, hand raised over his head, ready to thrust a knife into Isaac’s flesh. My son asked to read that story, and I diverted his attention to the previous story, telling about the birth of Isaac. I thought the story was too weighty for him to digest. A couple of days later, my son picked the same book at bedtime, turned to the story and asked me to read it to him. And I did. After reading the story, I talked to him about the meaning of the episode, and explained to him that while God prevented Abraham from sacrificing his son because of God’s love, that many years later God would allow His own Son to be sacrificed because of His love for us. I talked about the goodness and righteousness of God, and our rebellion against Him. I told him that the sin was so costly that an animal’s blood sacrifice was required to remedy the transgression. And I told him that according to the Bible, Jesus became the final sacrifice for humanity’s sin.

            My son was understandably upset by the story. I can understand. The story wounds me on the deepest levels, as I come to terms with my sin, the penalty for that sin, and the obedient response of my Savior to lose His life that I might have eternal life. I am overwhelmed with emotion when forced to consider my response if God had asked me to do something similar. And I become overwhelmed with emotion when I realize God did the very thing he would not let Abraham do. My son acted out and hit me as I explained the story to him. I was unable to determine if his violence was a result of the ram that was sacrificed (he does care for animals), the magnificent sacrifice of Jesus, or the realization that he is disobedient to God. He was visibly moved, and tears were in his eyes. I did not tell him that I was holding back my own tears as I read the story to him.

            Since that night, I have been considering what we teach our children about the Bible. I lead a children’s Sunday School class at my church. As I looked at the curriculum, I have become aware that what we teach our children is often not enough. Our Sunday School lessons, which are age graded, teach our children that Noah survived the Flood in an ark, but do not teach why God brought the deluge. The lessons teach our children that God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, but do not teach what those commandments are or why they are important. The lessons teach that Jesus healed a paralytic man, but do not tell how he first forgave that man of his sin, or what sin is. And our lessons teach the children that Jesus loved his friends (disciples) but only tell of His crucifixion on a surface level.

            I understand that age-graded material will be limited, and appropriately so. I do understand that preschool-age children are not cognitively able to process big-concept ideas. However, as I look at more advanced material for older children, I have found that some of the central doctrines of the faith, including the Fall, sin, and Christ’s atonement are treated superficially. It is as if we don’t want to alarm our children by telling them they are in rebellion against God. It is as if we would rather teach morality rather than God’s mercy and grace. It seems easier to tell children that God wants you to do this and not do that, rather than walk them through these more difficult, but essential truths. And, I am afraid that this easy faith is not just found in our Sunday School curriculum, but in our churches and our homes.

            Which begs the question: Did I tell my son too much on that night I read the Abraham story and then pushed it forward to talk about Jesus’ crucifixion? Is he too young to understand? I don’t think so. I appreciate that he may not totally understand the connection between Isaac and Jesus. I understand that he cannot process more abstract concepts. But, he can understand that some of the things he does are disobedient acts. He can understand that that there is consequence for wrong acts. It’s often easy to give a simple, or a “cheap” answer to our children to quell a deeper conversation that delves into areas with which we are uncomfortable. But this does not mean we are acting correctly when we do so.

            During that evening I prayed for the Holy Spirit to anoint that time and use that time to plant seeds in my son’s life. My prayer, then and now, is that one day the Spirit will draw my son into a faith relationship with Jesus. But, my prayer has also developed in this area, so that I am now praying for all of those children being “raised” in the church. My prayer is that we can teach them all of the truth of Scripture. My prayer is that we would not shy away from the difficult questions. My prayer is that we would be able and willing to impart the whole reality of the biblical message. My prayer is that parents and grandparents would be so biblically literate that they can teach their children and grandchildren, as God told the Israelites to teach their children. My prayer is that the next generation learns God’s truth, the whole of God’s truth, and nothing but God’s truth. And my prayer is that this truth sets them free.

For more Faith of This Father, you can like the Faith of This Father page on Facebook or follow on Twitter @faithotfather. Or email me at faithofthisfather@yahoo.com.

Lessons I've Learned from My Wife

Today, my wife and I celebrate our eighth wedding anniversary. I have been blessed to have such a beautiful and understanding woman in my life. Our marriage has had its ups and downs. Some of those up and downs were the results of our actions or selfishness (Mostly my selfishness). Some of those ups and downs were external drivers that had an impact on our relationship. However, through it all, I count myself greatly blessed by my wife. I also have learned many lessons from her that have drawn me closer to her, and have drawn me closer to God. I’d like to share some of those lessons.

            Generosity My wife is naturally generous. She takes great joy in giving to others. She may give her time by listening. She may give her money for a cause or purpose. She loves to give. She takes great pleasure in finding the perfect gift for a person. I have to admit, I sometimes have tunnel vision and am unaware of needs people around me may have. My wife helps me see those needs, and more importantly, find generous ways to serve those needs. I also tend to have a tighter hand around our pocketbook. But, my wife has opened me up to see needs and to be willing to meet some of those needs financially. Because of her generosity, we have taken memorable vacations with friends and family members. Because of her generosity and heart, we have sponsored a child through World Vision. Because of her generosity, we have sent memorable “just because” gifts to people who have received those gifts when they most needed them. Her generosity is an extension of the generosity that God has shown me. How incomprehensible to me that the Lord of the universe humbled Himself to become a man like me and generously gave His life that I might have life. Compared to His generosity, a smaller pocketbook, or an evening spent listening to others seems a small “sacrifice” for me to make.

            Character Matters Two years ago, I was going through a difficult time. I had to make some decisions that really upset a number of people. Over a period of six months, I was met constantly with people who were willing to vociferously proclaim that my decisions were wrong. To this day, I feel my decisions were right and warranted; however, during that time I had to listen as my name and reputation were reviled daily. I wanted to go on the attack and defend myself and my choices. But, I did not. During this time, my wife stood beside me, reminding me that at the end of the day my reputation was dependent upon my character. If I had fought back, my character would have been damaged. It was my wife who first voiced the statement that would become our family motto, “We always do what is right.” How often I have thought about that statement. How often that statement has prevented me from doing things that are not right. My wife understood that we are defined by our character. My wife also understood that as Christians, it is not just our reputation that is at stake, but also Christ’s reputation that hangs in the balance of our actions. I am not perfect, and I’ll readily admit that. But, I do try to live by that motto for me, for my family, and for my Lord.

            People Matter Like most men, I tend to walk through life thinking primarily about myself and my concerns. My wife is more intuitively plugged in to other people’s hurts and burdens. I am sure God wired men and women differently in this area for a grand purpose. I see the purpose manifested in my marriage as my wife makes me more sensitive to the pain other people are experiencing. I suppose it could be said that I can be harsh or undiplomatic at times. If I see a problem, I am quick to offer a solution. I just don’t always offer that solution with tact. My wife, on the other hand, takes great pains to be sensitive to another person’s feeling when she speaks to them. When she has to confront a sinful attitude in someone else, she is careful in choosing her words. She prays over the meeting. She replays the conversation in her head, worrying that she came across too harshly. She deals with people compassionately. I am learning so much from her in this area. I do care about people, and I do want them to live healthy lives that glorify God. Watching my wife, and emulating her, is helping me so much.

            Confront When Necessary I don’t like a fight. I avoid confrontation whenever I can. My wife does not seek out confrontations, but when she sees something that needs to be confronted, she is unafraid to take up that challenge. But, she is not rude or domineering. My wife has a God-given ability to correct and confront people with mercy. She has a great amount of wisdom, and she is able to sift through a lot of information or misinformation to get to the heart of a problem. That in itself is a talent. But, I am amazed at how effectively and mercifully she can analyze a problem, and confront a person commandingly. She can give you a good tongue lashing, and you are thankful that she has done so!! She also helps me confront things that I would like to avoid, generally by giving me a much-needed but merciful “talking to.” And I am grateful to her for holding me accountable to confront wrong and uphold truth. She’s not a punk fighter, she chooses the right fights, and fights them is a godly, upright way.

            Work as a Team We have two kids, ages five and three. Anyone who has raised kids knows that they will wear you down. You also know that they will work every angle to get what they want, even if it means turning their parents against each other. But, in our home, my wife is quick to see that and refuses to fall for it. Her influence has had a positive impact on our family. We are the Hale family. We are a team. Every person has a role to play. Every person in our family has value. We are stronger united than we can ever be individually. And we seek to build each other up. And what a great feeling I receive from building someone else up. I want to extend that outside of my family and build up those I meet in my neighborhood, at my church, and in my community.

            Listen Well All right, so I haven’t learned all of these lessons well. This is a case in point. My wife is teaching me how to be a better listener. And I have a lot of work and many bridges to cross in this area. I am quick to hear part of her speech, and then work of “fixing” a problem for her. I also am quick to formulate my response midway through her speech, rather than waiting to hear all that she has to say and then responding. And, my wife always wants me to respond to her comments, which can be hard for me. I often ask, “What am I supposed to say to that?” and her response is, “You could say, ‘Oh,’ or “Hmmm,” or “I’m sorry to hear that.’” You get the point. Sometimes I’m a dunce. My wife, however, really knows how to listen and listen well. She really values listening and listening well, so she expends effort to make it real. She embodies James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” I’m learning, honey.

            Wow, I am blessed. I serve a great God and have a great life partner. How lucky am I? Here’s to eight more years of growing together and richly growing in the Lord.

For more Faith of This Father, you can like the Faith of This Father page on Facebook or follow on Twitter @faithotfather. Or email me at faithofthisfather@yahoo.com.

Rock Hound

I am a rock hound. I have a small collection of rocks. Of course, these are not run-of-the-mill rocks. I have geodes, rocks with amethyst and quartz, and others. It amazes me that our creative God spent so much time developing the variety we see in these rocks. If I was in the place of God, and I was feeling creative, I might have developed a dozen different style of rocks. If I were in the place of God, and I were creating gemstones, I would have come up with a handful, and called it a day. But, as I look at the world around me, I see so much diversity in rocks and gemstones. Just consider the fact that there are so many types and colors oF sapphire, or ruby, or quartz.

            Then I look around more at the world God created. I see the rich tapestry of color. There are so many hues of color. One body of water can display an almost infinite number of colors. A tree can display a plethora of shades of green and brown. I read somewhere that different cultures see a different number of colors in a rainbow. So, while I see six or seven colors in a rainbow, other cultures see two colors, and other cultures see 20 colors. As I look at the world around me, I begin to see the great tapestry of color that God has created, and see more of the richness God designed.

I love to garden. I am impressed by the variety that can be found in a garden. Not only can one see the different legumes, lettuces, and root vegetables, but one can see so many different cultivars and types of each fruit and vegetable. Have you ever really considered how many types of lavender there are in the world? How many roses are there? Or tomatoes? As I look through a gardening catalogue, I can find three dozen different types of apple trees, or cherry trees, or strawberry plants.

Did you know that a zebra stripes are a lot like human fingerprints? No two zebras have the same set of stripes. Just as no two snowflakes have the same structures, so no two giraffes have the same markings. Isn’t that amazing? It seems that there is no limit to the differences that God can create in our world.

The same is true of humanity. We all are unique (truly one-of-a-kind, not one in every ten thousand).  Would that I could look at people with the same wonder and awe with which I view the rest of God’s creation. But, truth be told, rather than see wonder in the difference, often I am critical of the differences God created in people. Yes, I can appreciate the differences in the sexes. I can appreciate the differences in the races. But, I tend to become more critical of other differences. Why, I ask, is she so emotional? Why is he so tall? Why is his face so plain? Why are her freckles so prominent? While I value the differences in other parts of God’s creation, I often question the value of the differences in people. I think things would be simpler if everyone had the same speaking style, or emotional character. I think things would be simpler if we were all created with similar likes and dislikes, or the same work ethic, or similar worldviews. Do you sometimes find yourself wondering at God’s creation, but questioning His foresight in creating people so differently, like I do?

How shameful that my thoughts run in these ways. Everything that God created is good. But, more importantly, God’s word says that people are created in the very image of God Himself. Unlike a citrine, or a cucumber, or a chimpanzee, people are a reflection of God. Every time we question the value of a person He created, we insult God. Every time we thank Him for the beauty of a mountaintop and do not thank Him for the wonder of a lanky teenage boy, we dishonor God.

So, I will continue to be a rock hound. I will continue to be awestruck by the differences in those rocks I collect. But, they will also serve as a reminder that I need to be awestruck by each and every person God has uniquely formed.

For more Faith of This Father, you can like the Faith of This Father page on Facebook or follow on Twitter @faithotfather. Or email me at faithofthisfather@yahoo.com.

Expecting Too Much from My Kids?

My son turned 5-years-old this week. That means I’ve been a daddy for almost six years. My son, and my three-year-old daughter, have never known a time when their daddy was not a pastor. They are being raised in the church. They are the kids who are always at Sunday school. It is a given that our kids are signed up and attending Vacation Bible School. I am happy about that. I see my children developing a love and appreciation for God.

            I also enjoy the conversations I have with my children – especially my son -- about the Christian faith. As he tries to wrap his mind about the bigger truths of the Bible and doctrine, he can ask some provocative questions. He tries to understand the Trinity. When an elder member of our congregation died, he spent lots of time asking about life and death (“Where do we go when we die?” “What happens to our bodies?” “Will my fish go to heaven?”). He asks where heaven is, why we cannot see God, and what the new heaven and new earth will be like. I treasure his questions and try as best as I can to answer the questions.

            But, I realize that I expect more from my kids than I would typically expect from any other person. Unfortunately, my tendency has been to teach them a false gospel when I expect too much from them. Let me explain what I mean.

            There is no denying that the children of a pastor are held to a different level of scrutiny than other children. They do live in a glass bowl. I know every pastor tells his congregation that he is the pastor, his children are not, and that his children should not be held to a different standard from other children. While we try to uphold that, the truth is that our children are held to a different standard. If my son or daughter “acts up” in worship service, it is noticed more than if another child acts up. Unfortunately, I also expect that my children behave far differently than other children simply because they are pastor’s kids, and I don’t want to be embarrassed. But, my 5-year-old and 3-year-old kids are not fully developed and they are subject to misbehavior and doing things all kids do.

            I also have found that I expect more of my kids outside of the church building. I expect their behavior to be exemplary. While I may not vocalize it, my thought is “If I have told you once, I have told you a hundred times, so why don’t you get it?” If I talked to my son yesterday about why he should not hit his sister, I expect that he will remember the talk, control the emotional response that caused him to hit his sister, and react in the correct way every time. If I told my daughter last week to put away one toy before taking another one out to play with, I become aggravated when she does not do what is appropriate this week.

            Then it struck me, I am expecting my children to do what they are emotionally and sometimes physically incapable of doing. At their ages, they do not have the cognitive ability I expect from them. But, there is something even more damaging at work here.  I am teaching them a works-based, rather than a grace-based faith. For those of you who don’t speak Christianese, what I am saying is that I expect my children to earn my favor through their behavior. I expect that their actions will be appropriately moderated to do what is right. And when it is not “right” I reprimand them.

            Please do not misunderstand; I am not advocating that we not discipline our children. God’s word tells us that our good Father disciplines those he loves (Hebrews 12:7-11, for example). It is right that I expect my children to act in a civil way in public. It is right that I train my children how they are to treat others. It is appropriate to teach my children that they do not fight, or steal, or cheat. However, I find that my unspoken expectation is that you do what is right, because I have already told you what is right; and if you don’t do what is right, you will not earn my favor. How tragic.

            I preach a message that says God by His mercy and good favor draws people to an eternal relationship with Him by what Jesus accomplished on the cross. Jesus became the once-for-all sacrifice to cleanse people of sin and make right what was undone by the Fall. And I preach that there is nothing that we can do in our human strength to earn the favor and mercy of God. We cannot work enough, or do enough, or pay enough to win God’s forgiveness. Instead, He gives it to us as a free, unearned gift.

            That’s what I preach from the pulpit. But at home, I preach a different gospel. I preach that favor can be earned. I preach that works do result in mercy. I preach that you can pay your way (through your right actions) into relationship and blessing. Unfortunately, I fear that too many of us preach this same gospel at home, while proclaiming a vastly different gospel in the marketplace. The truth is that I do love my kids, even when they mess up. I know you love your kids when they drop the ball, too. But, are we being too quick to teach them that what we speak is different than what we truly believe? Are we unknowingly teaching our kids that their perfect Father really does expect certain actions and Reponses in order for them to receive His good gift?        

            I know that God expects that His followers will walk in the good works that He has prepared for them from before the world was created. I know that God is pleased as our walk of faith aligns more closely and perfectly with His perfect way. And I know my Father is not looking at me and thinking, “If I have told you once, I have told you a hundred times, so why don’t you get this?” He certainly could ask that question. And He would be right to reprimand me for my repeated failings. But, instead, I know He looks at me with love. He revels in the “successes” and works through me in the “failures.” And isn’t that what I want to model for my children? Thank God for His goodness to me. It’s time for some grace-based parenting.

My Dirty Little Secret

I have to confess my dirty little secret. I try to hide it from friends when they come to visit me and my family at our home. I attempt to keep up the veneer of respectability by keeping this hidden. And I do a pretty good job at hiding my secret. Yet, whenever friends come over, I fear they will discover the secret. It would be so easy for them to do so. When I go out to my car in the morning, I wonder if my neighbors -- who surely catch glimpses of my secret -- are judging me or talking behind my back. So, I’ve decided it’s time to come clean.

            Watch this video to find out about my secret. Don’t worry; you don’t need to remove your parental controls to view the video. I promise, there is no nudity, just a baring of my soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CxVBhyVdFs&feature=plcp

Acts of Courage - Flight 93 Remembered

Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

            This week, we once again remember and commemorate the devastating attacks on the United States that took place September 11, 2001. In the blinking of an eye, we became a nation that was under attack by terrorists, who used four planes to target the World Trade Center buildings, the Pentagon, and an unknown destination. Every year, my generation will recall this date and remember the feelings we had as we watched or heard the events unfolding before us.

            We have heard the story of the fourth plane, United Flight 93, which crashed in the fields of Pennsylvania. The passengers on board heard reports of the other flights, knew that their flight was being used to target another location, and took action to overtake the terrorists and ground the plane out of harm’s way. We know these events transpired based on phone conversations that those passengers had with loved ones moments before they got the upper hand on the terrorists. 

            The events that took place in that plane – some we know, some we can only quess at – have captured my thoughts this past week. I can only imagine the fear that many, if not all, of the passengers felt when the terrorists commandeered the plane. I imagine the fear was heightened as they became aware that the plane would be used as a missile to target and harm others. At some point, everyone on that flight had to know that their lives would end within minutes.

            It is at this point, that I consider the heroism of those passengers. Yes, there were some who took charge and overpowered the terrorists. Others would have stayed in their seats waiting for the end. However, what impresses me is that all of the passengers, I believe, collectively chose to sacrifice their lives in order to save the lives of countless others. That is heroism defined by action. Some may say that the passengers didn’t have a choice, that their fate was already sealed, but I do not think that is true. They did have a choice (albeit a limited choice). They could have done nothing and allowed an untold number also to perish, or they could choose to limit the number of fatalities. They heroically chose the second option. Imagine what may have happened if those men and women chose inaction instead of action.

            As Jesus said, a true friend will lay down his life for another person. In the case of United Flight 93, many men and women chose to lay down their lives for the sake of others. Jesus was telling his disciples that he would soon lay down His life for their benefit. And we are called in many ways to lay down our lives for others. If asked, “Would you put yourself in harm’s way in order to save the life of your spouse or child?” all of us would immediately answer affirmatively. I would, without a doubt, take on death for my wife or my children. Jesus takes it a step further, asking if we would be willing to give our lives for our friends. The passengers of Flight 93 showed us their willingness to give their lives for others by their actions.

            You and I may never be placed in a position where we have to make such a dramatic decision. But, we must be prepared and willing to make that choice should we be asked to. Just as importantly, we are called to give up our lives in much less dramatic ways. You are called to love your spouse as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself up for her. I fall far short of that expectation. How about you? In what ways have you counted others more significant than yourself (Philippians 2:3)? Have you given up your “rights” in order to raise your children with respect? Have you put away petty rivalries you have with your neighbors? I know I have a long way to go in all of these areas. And I know that under my own power, I cannot be the humble, sacrificial person I am called to be. Heroism can be defined not just in the big events, but also in the simple day-to-day events.

            I will never know why the passengers of Flight 93 chose to overtake the terrorists. Did some do so to protect others? Did some do so to uphold, as best as they could, principles of democracy and freedom? Did some do so to honor the United States? Did some do so that our way of life might not be changed? I will never know. But, if I may conjecture, I would guess that at least one person was hoping that his or her last act might bring the challenge to someone to live a better life. Someone surely hoped that his sacrifice would result in other people cherishing their families more. Someone certainly thought her sacrifice might bring hope to someone’s life.

            True heroes are defined by the choices and actions that those heroes make. Do you have the courage to be a hero?

Kindergarten Days

My son began Kindergarten last week. The days leading up to his first day of school were filled with anticipation and preparation. We had to buy clothes for his school uniform. We got a backpack for his work. We prepared a place where all schoolwork could be placed when it comes home. My son had a difficult time sleeping the night before school, and was anxious to get to school that first morning. He barely ate breakfast. At the school playground, he quickly found a new friend, met his teacher, and began the process of adjusting to his new environment. I was excited for him, but also overwhelmed by the passing of time. It seems yesterday I was with his mother in the delivery room, waiting for him to enter this world. The time goes so quickly.

            I also considered my memories from kindergarten. They are few. I remember my first day of school. My teacher told us one of our goals for the school year was to count from 1 to 100. Well, I already knew how to do that. So, I raised my hand, told my teacher I could already count from 1 to 100. She sent me to the teacher’s aid, who listened to me accurately count from 1 to 100, and then count backward from 100 to 1. Thanks, Mom, for investing in my life early on.

            I also remember two humbling experiences. The first came on the playground. My mom had bought me a green sweater that had a pocket with Sesame Street’s Oscar the Grouch on the pocket. The pocket was Oscar’s trash can. I was so proud of my sweater. But, the first day I wore it, kids made fun of it during recess, and started putting playground trash in my trash can pocket. It mad me mad, and embarrassed. I never wore that sweater again, but I could never tell my Mom why I didn’t want to wear it. The other humbling experience came when I was unable to get to the bathroom in time and had an accident. I didn’t have a change of clothes, and I had to be assisted by the teacher’s aid as she hung my wet underwear in the bathroom, and I had to return to the classroom with wet pants. Oh, did I get picked on for that!

            When I started Kindergarten, my Mom was pregnant with my sister. A neighborhood friend, Kimberly, also had a mother expecting a child. Kimberly wanted a baby brother. I wanted a baby sister. This was in a day when you did not find out the baby’s sex before birth. Kimberly and I decided (in a rather naïve, kindergarten way) that if my Mom had a boy, and her mom had a girl that we would exchange the babies during the middle of the night. We figured that nobody would be the wiser, and we would both then get what we wanted for a baby sibling. Yes, we had a lot to learn about anatomy, and a mother’s knowledge of her baby. Amazingly, our mother’s both went into labor on the same day, the babies were both born on the same day, and the ladies shared a room while in the hospital. And, yes, I got my baby sister and Kimberly got her baby brother. No midnight exchanges were needed.

            For some reason, I always had a a difficult time telling my family when something was wrong in my life. A case in point occurred in Kindergarten. It was parent-teacher conference time. My Mom sent me with a note to my teacher asking if they could hold the parent-teacher conference during a carnival fundraising night at the school. My teacher wrote a note giving my Mom an answer, and bobby-pinned the note to my shirt (to this day, I don’t know why teachers used to clip notes to children’s clothing). I took the school bus home that day, with my note pinned to my shirt. You guessed it. Some of the older kids began to tease me, and took the note off my shirt. I couldn’t tell my Mom about the incident, so when she asked about her note, I told her that my teacher said, “Yes.” So, my parents went to the carnival fundraiser, asked my teacher if now would be a good time for the conference, and found out that my teacher had pinned the note to my shirt saying that she would not have the time for a conference that evening. I had to explain to everyone what had happened, and broke down in tears.

            My final memory of Kindergarten is very sad. During that year, my maternal grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Upon hearing the news, my grandmother had a massive heart attack that evening and died. Her funeral was planned on the same day as my Kindergarten graduation. So, I missed my graduation and sat by my Mom and ailing grandfather that day at my grandmother’s funeral. My grandfather died six weeks later.

            That final memory really resonates with me as I sent my son to kindergarten. We do not know what today or tomorrow holds. Those things we choose to do today, or not do, cannot be redone or replayed. My time with my maternal grandparents was limited to six years. I have such fond memories of both of them. So I want to seize each opportunity I have with my children to create great memories, and to teach them as much as I can. I don’t know what memories my son will take from his Kindergarten year. I pray some of his memories are terrific. I also pray that he has some memories that are embarrassing, or humbling, not because I dislike him, but because I want him to grow through those experiences. Here’s to a fantastic year, with many teachable moments – for my son and for me.

Taking the Initiative

I just read “Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood” by Dennis Rainey. In the book, Rainey talks about the five life stages of being a man: boyhood, adolesence, manhood, mentor, and patriarch. He spens a lot of time writing about a man’s call to courageously take initiative for his life and his family’s life.

            Taking initiative for our lives and our families is difficult. The truth is that it is easier to remain a spectator as your life passes you by. Changing the momentum of your life by leading is tough. The fact is that it is far easier to go with the flow, letting teaching and growing moments pass you by. The problem is that God has called men to be those who take initiative. God placed responsibility for the Fall on the shoulders of Adam, not Eve. God spoke to Abraham and told him to leave his family and journey to a land that God would show him. King David, so dearly loved by God, was caught in sin when he chose to stay in Jerusalem rather than go to the battlefield, as was expected of the king. Biblical texts tell men to work, discipline their children, love their wives etc. Paul speaks repeatedly of working diligently for the Lord and to provide the resources for his missionary journeys. The Proverbs have many verses stating that the idle will come to harm while the diligent worker will be blessed. And 1 Timothy 5:8 reads, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

            The questions become: Am I taking initiative in my life? Am I taking initiative for leading my family? Am I a diligent worker, or an idle worker?  As I think about these questions, here are some areas in which I think that Christian men are called to take a stand. The list is not exhaustive. An honest look at this list will probably point out areas in which we all fall short in stepping up in leadership. The good news is that there is always time to stop the slow numbing of inertia.

-          Are you faithful in your Christian walk with God? Are you faithful in Bible reading? In Bible study? In prayer? Do you see the marks of maturity and growth in this area?

-          Are you faithful in your allegiance to His church? Are you a regular attender, or a twice-a-year sort of guy? Does everyone know once NFL season starts, that you will disappear from worship services? Are you active in a ministry within your church?

-          Are you a loyal and disciplined worker? Does your boss trust that when giving you an assignment it will be accomplished quickly and efficiently? Do you have a can-do attitude about your work? Are you like Joseph who was regularly promoted because of his strong work ethic? Do you do as much as you can do while you are on the clock? Do you act the same way when people are watching as you do when nobody is watching?

-          Are you a loving husband? Is your love expressed through consistent actions? Do you take the first step in improving and strengthening your marriage? How do you honor your spouse?

-          Are you a teaching father? Do you provide instruction to your children? Are you teaching them life lessons? Are you the leader in proper discipline and training of your children?

-          Are you leading the spiritual growth of your family? Do you have regular family nights? Do you pray with your wife and for your wife? Do you pray with your children and for your children? Do you lead your family to trust in God when making decisions about finances, spending, etc? Does your family see you making decisions that honor God? Do you lead your family to read and trust in the Bible?

-          Are you the leader in ordering your household? Do you have a vision for your household and family? Do you have a plan for how your children are raised? Is your house and yard maintained, or is it the eyesore of the neighborhood?

-          What are you doing to make your community a better place?

Maybe you look at this list and feel overwhelmed and hopeless. It seems that you have failed in too many areas, and you don’t know where to begin. It is not too late to take initiative and make a positive change. Take the one area that most resonates with you and start working on that area. While writing this list, I am fully aware that I am not perfect (or even close to perfect) in any of these areas. There is always room for growth. But, gentlemen, you were created for this. Take the first step.

Hope in an Age of Hopelessness

I woke up this morning to news of yet another fatal shooting in our country, this time at the Empire State Building in New York City. In the past few weeks, there have been horrific shootings in Colorado, Wisconsin, Texas, Washington D.C., and now New York. Within the past year, there was also a mass shooting in my hometown of Carson City, Nevada. Every time these unfortunate events take place, we ask the question, “Why?”

            I cannot answer that why question, other than to reaffirm that the Bible says that humankind’s sin has brought disorder into our world. I also know that the Bible states that these events will continue until Jesus comes again. In fact, it seems probable that the “wars and rumors or wars,” and violence will intensify as time goes on.

            Many will ask the question, “What is the cause of this increased violence, and how can we stop it?” People will point to many culprits. It’s worry over a troubled economy. It’s hopelessness over our political landscape. It’s the result of callous, dehumanizing violence in video games, cartoons, and movies. It’s the result of a de-sensitzing media. It’s the result of incivility in our culture. All of these answers could be explanations to the shootings. We may never know.

            I am raising two young children in today’s world. I worry about the world in which they will live in twenty or thirty years. What world will my grandkids, or great grandkids live in? Will it be a world in which violence is commonplace? Will people become so de-sensitized to violence that news of shootings like we hear now will be ignored or treated with disdain? Will they avoid speaking to neighbors for fear of violence, or ridicule, or uncivil speech?

            I know that God is sovereign. He has knowledge of all things, and knows the future, and what our world will look like in the years ahead. And He is in complete control. He is all powerful. He is not the author of evil, and He will even work through the present evil for ultimate good (see Genesis 50:19-20, Isaiah 10, Acts 2:22-34).

            We, though, are responsible for our actions. We are accountable for those things we do that are just and unjust. As such, we can make a difference in our present world.  I am just one person. It is unlikely that I can change the world. But, I can change the dynamic of my family. You, too, are just one person. But, if we choose to make positive changes in our lives and the lives of our families, we could leave this world a somewhat better place. How can we change our speech so that what we say is exhorting, rather than crippling? How can we leave a legacy of hope in an age of hopelessness? How can we change the tenor of incivility in our cultural rhetoric? It’s worth contemplating answers to these questions, and it’s worth making real efforts to change the dynamic in our lives.

In the Event of My Untimely Death - Please Read This

“Abraham breathed his last and died in a good old age, an old man and full of years, and was gathered to his people. Isaac and Ishmael his sons buried him in the cave of Machpelah” Genesis 25:8-9

“And Isaac breathed his last, and he died and was gathered to his people, old and full of days. And his sons Esau and Jacob buried him’ Genesis 35:29

“For David, after he had served the purpose of God in his own generation, fell asleep and was laid with his fathers.” Acts 13:36

            I do not think that I will die today. I do not think that I will die tomorrow. However, I do not know for certain that I will not die today, or tomorrow. We are not promised a set number of days on this earth. Only God knows the number of our days. I am still relatively young, and in relatively good health, but I must still be prepared for the possibility of death. As a Christian husband and father, I must be ready and prepared.

            As I read the Bible, I am struck by those men of faith who finished the race with dignity. The deaths of Abraham, Isaac, and David show that it is important that we are prepared for the eventuality of death, and that we leave a godly legacy for those we leave behind. What does that legacy look like?

            Over the past few months, I have seriously considered the kind of legacy I want to leave behind for my family. It started as I listened to radio talk host Dave Ramsey who suggested preparing a legacy drawer. Ramsey is a financial guru who gives straight-talk answers to his callers about financial troubles. On one of his programs, he started talking about a legacy drawer that he has prepared for his family in the event of his death (you can read more about Dave Ramsey’s tips on making a legacy box at http://www.daveramsey.com/article/legacy-drawer-keep-your-family-prepared/lifeandmoney_relationshipsandmoney/). The legacy drawer contains insurance policies, deeds to vehicles and property, safe deposit box info, etc. Shortly after listening to Ramsey, I started preparing my own legacy drawer. I started to plan my memorial service, and asked a fellow pastor and great friend if he would perform my service. I tried to put in writing all of the things I would want done to prepare my body, etc. so that my wife or children did not have to worry about those details should I die.

            I also started working on getting my financial house in order, making lists of bank accounts, insurance policies, with passwords, etc. that my family may need if I were to die tomorrow. The truth is that I still have a lot of work to do in preparing my legacy drawer, but I have started to take those necessary steps for those whom I love.

            But, leaving a legacy is more than just having a will in place and financial records accessible. I started thinking about lessons I would want my children to know. What if I am not alive to walk my daughter down the aisle? What would I want her to know? What advice would I want my son to know about his first job, or supporting a friend? Would my wife know how much I truly loved her and how much I appreciated her standing next to me in all circumstances? While I felt they could be provided for financially with a legacy drawer, I knew that I wanted to leave them with more.

            So, I started writing letters for them. I have created three-ring binders with letters to my children. These letters tell them how I have enjoyed watching them grow up and learn new things. Additionally, I have started writing letters that can be shared with my family when I pass from this earth to be with my Lord. These letters are being placed in a binder for family members to read after I die. These letters tell of wishes I have for each family member, and important lessons I want to leave for each of them. Also, I am trying to leave a journal that will tell my family a little about my life, the things I valued, and my struggles and successes. I want them, most of all, to understand that Jesus is important to me and that I want Him to be important in their lives as well. I have considered leaving video message for family members, and I know that I would like to leave them with a gift and an object to remember me by.

            But, there is one final step in leaving a legacy that has been more difficult for me to enact. I have good memories from my time here on planet earth. I have also made mistakes and have broken relationships with some family members and people I once called friends. An important part of leaving a positive legacy is to lovingly confront those people and work on healing and repairing those relationships. Here’s the kicker. I am not always the person primarily at fault for those strained relationships. However, as I read the Bible, I find it clear that regardless of fault, I have a responsibility to repair those relationships. That is a big part of being a man of God.

            I want the end of my life to be as faithful to God and my family as I hope my every day life is. What better legacy to leave than to have the words, “having served the purpose of God in his own generation, he fell asleep and was laid with his fathers” said of me? Isn’t that the legacy you would want, too.

Lessons We're Trying to Teach Our Children

What is the most important thing we can teach our children? For each person, there is probably a different answer, or set of answers to that question. My wife and I have discussed some of the things we want to teach our children while they are in our care. Some of those things we want to teach our children are character issues, life skills, and values. Here is a list of some of those lessons we are teaching our four-year-old son and two-year-old daughter.

            Use your words, not your fists.  It’s easy to react when someone hurts you or says something hurtful about you. But the violent reaction is seldom the best reaction.

            Money doesn’t grow on trees. Yeah, we heard it from our parents, but it’s a valuable lesson. We try to explain to our children that each purchase we make is the result of mom and dad working hard to earn money for us. Which brings us to …

            Always give your best. We are trying to instill a strong work ethic in our children. We’re trying to show them that they must work hard to get the things in life they want most. They are not entitled to everything simply because they are charming.

            Take responsibility for your actions. We know that our kids will make mistakes. We, however, are trying to teach them to be responsible for their actions. It’s not easy. It’s easier to cast blame on someone else, or on some situation over which you had “no control.”  This would also involve taking responsibility for finances and apologizing when you have hurt someone else.

            Treat people with respect. We may not like everyone we meet, and we may not always agree with everything they say or do, but we must respect them as people. God created each person as image-bearers of Him. We should not tarnish that image with disrespect.

            Help others when you can. As a family, we sponsor a young boy through World Vision. We exchange letters and photos with him. When our children ask why we are friends with him, we try to teach them that since God has given us much, we are compelled to help others, including our young friend.

            Ask questions and be ready to learn. This is not a difficult lesson to teach our children. They are inquisitive (and brilliant, if I may assert my humble analysis). We never know where their questions will lead us, and we have made many Google searches to find out the answers to their questions.

            Read a lot.  We go to the library frequently. We read fiction, and non-fiction with the kids. We have even been reading Little House in the Big Woods. Even though I was concerned that the kids might not be able to sit and listen to a book that is written for an older child, they have surprised me with their interest in the book.

            Respect your elders. Yeah, we’re traditionalist in this respect. We teach our children to call adults “Miss Kim” or “Mr. Mike.” If either child talks back to Mom, I quickly reprimand them and tell them that we will not tolerate such disrespect in our home.

            Use your manners. It may not be in vogue, but we always say “please” and “thank you.” It’s just the right thing to do. Which brings us to …

            Our family always does what is right.  Even if it is difficult, or results in friends making fun of you, you are to do what is right. Sometimes, our children have watched their parents’ example of this principle, even when it has hurt us, or has been costly to us.

            Tell the truth. Telling the truth can come at a great cost, but it is something we must do. This was the hardest lesson for me to learn as a child, and I still am tempted to tell an expedient lie. But, the truth is always better, and easier than a lie.

            Love God. We never want to force our faith on our children, but we are trying to teach them that God loves them, and we are praying that they will love God in return. We also pray that they will one day be followers of Jesus.

            We are not perfect parents. Sometimes, unfortunately, our children learn as we make mistakes and ask forgiveness from others, or take responsibility for wrong choices we make. But, those may be some of the best moments of learning we can give to our kids. I’m sure there are more lessons to be taught, and there are certainly more that we are trying to teach our children. What are we forgetting? Let me know.

Lessons I've Learned from my Daughter

My daughter will become a three-year-old later this month. She is the quieter, less needy of my children. Because of that, she sometimes gets lost or unnoticed as we deal with her older brother. So, it is not always easy to see her personality. As she is getting older, though, she is developing more of a personality, and as she does, I am learning a lot about her, and she is teaching me a lot, too. Here are some of the things I’ve learned from my daughter.

            Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. My daughter has two facial expressions – her grumpy face and her smiling face. I think she gets her grumpy face from me. Her grumpy face, however, is adorable (mine is not so adorable). As much as I like her grumpy face (although I don’t like the attitude that comes with it), I adore her smiling face. Her smile really does light up a room (even if that is an overused cliché). But, her laughter is irresistible. My girl cannot laugh without others in the room laughing, too. I can take this life too seriously. I can forget to let Christian joy fill my life. My daughter has reminded me to laugh, and to find joy at all times.

            Reading is important. My daughter loves to read (well, actually, she enjoys people reading to her). One night, I noticed how much she loves to read as I heard her “reading” the story with me. She had memorized the book we were reading, and could recite it by heart. She even “read” the book with the same inflections and pauses with which I read the book. She loves to go to the library and get new books to read. She has an advanced vocabulary, and always speaks with correct subject-verb agreement.  How critically important it is to read to our children.

            I have to watch my temper. My daughter has a temper. She gets that from me. Yes, I know that she is going through her “terrible twos,” but her temper is something that we are trying to control. But, I cannot be too quick to correct her temper tantrums when I still throw my own temper tantrums. Unfortunately, my daughter has seen me lose my temper and explode unnecessarily on more than one occasion. I am sorry that my daughter, and the rest of my family, have had to see my tantrums, and I want to do better for all of them, but especially for my daughter, who seems especially sensitive to harsh words.

            Take time to focus on family.  I accomplish tasks. I do, make, write, read, prepare, strategize, etc. I work, work, work. I find great satisfaction in my work and in work in general. I found that at home, though, I would spend time thinking about what I needed to do that day at work, or planning a to-do list. Then, I noticed that my daughter would politely come up to me asking to play. I found that stopping what I was doing and playing with her for ten minutes or longer was deeply satisfying to her and to me. Honestly, I find our playtime boring. It is repetitive as we “cook” dinner at her toy kitchen – over, and over, and over again. But she delights in spending time with me or her mother. I have learned to put away the work that I thought I needed to accomplish (most of it can indeed wait, or not get done with no worries) and spend time with my children. It is even becoming easier to shut my brain off and turn complete focus to my family. Last year, I would have considered my family a distraction from my more “important” work. Now I consider my family as most important. And as I focus more on them, I am learning more how important it is to be in relationship with God and to devote “my” time to Him.

            I am a protective papa bear. Men know that one of the jobs of a husband and a father is to protect his family. We understand that on a mental level, but my daughter has taught me this on a heart level. My daughter is petite, and a charmer. Her smile melts hearts and can make grown men cry. And as I watch this small, precious child, my protective sense kicks into high gear. I do worry for her. She lives in a world of bullies and predators. She is vulnerable, and it is my job to protect her. As my thoughts have turned more toward protecting my daughter, I also have realized that I have become more protective of every member of my family. Honestly, I don’t know that I would have protected or defended my wife before my daughter was born to the same level as I will since she has been born. I now fight even more fiercely that my four-year-old son is allowed to remain innocent and hopeful rather than jaded and cynical. I may never have been asked to defend my country, but I will defend my family in a heartbeat. And that characteristic I learned from my daughter.

            Time will tell what other lessons I learn from my precious girl.