Lessons I've Learned from My Wife

Today, my wife and I celebrate our eighth wedding anniversary. I have been blessed to have such a beautiful and understanding woman in my life. Our marriage has had its ups and downs. Some of those up and downs were the results of our actions or selfishness (Mostly my selfishness). Some of those ups and downs were external drivers that had an impact on our relationship. However, through it all, I count myself greatly blessed by my wife. I also have learned many lessons from her that have drawn me closer to her, and have drawn me closer to God. I’d like to share some of those lessons.

            Generosity My wife is naturally generous. She takes great joy in giving to others. She may give her time by listening. She may give her money for a cause or purpose. She loves to give. She takes great pleasure in finding the perfect gift for a person. I have to admit, I sometimes have tunnel vision and am unaware of needs people around me may have. My wife helps me see those needs, and more importantly, find generous ways to serve those needs. I also tend to have a tighter hand around our pocketbook. But, my wife has opened me up to see needs and to be willing to meet some of those needs financially. Because of her generosity, we have taken memorable vacations with friends and family members. Because of her generosity and heart, we have sponsored a child through World Vision. Because of her generosity, we have sent memorable “just because” gifts to people who have received those gifts when they most needed them. Her generosity is an extension of the generosity that God has shown me. How incomprehensible to me that the Lord of the universe humbled Himself to become a man like me and generously gave His life that I might have life. Compared to His generosity, a smaller pocketbook, or an evening spent listening to others seems a small “sacrifice” for me to make.

            Character Matters Two years ago, I was going through a difficult time. I had to make some decisions that really upset a number of people. Over a period of six months, I was met constantly with people who were willing to vociferously proclaim that my decisions were wrong. To this day, I feel my decisions were right and warranted; however, during that time I had to listen as my name and reputation were reviled daily. I wanted to go on the attack and defend myself and my choices. But, I did not. During this time, my wife stood beside me, reminding me that at the end of the day my reputation was dependent upon my character. If I had fought back, my character would have been damaged. It was my wife who first voiced the statement that would become our family motto, “We always do what is right.” How often I have thought about that statement. How often that statement has prevented me from doing things that are not right. My wife understood that we are defined by our character. My wife also understood that as Christians, it is not just our reputation that is at stake, but also Christ’s reputation that hangs in the balance of our actions. I am not perfect, and I’ll readily admit that. But, I do try to live by that motto for me, for my family, and for my Lord.

            People Matter Like most men, I tend to walk through life thinking primarily about myself and my concerns. My wife is more intuitively plugged in to other people’s hurts and burdens. I am sure God wired men and women differently in this area for a grand purpose. I see the purpose manifested in my marriage as my wife makes me more sensitive to the pain other people are experiencing. I suppose it could be said that I can be harsh or undiplomatic at times. If I see a problem, I am quick to offer a solution. I just don’t always offer that solution with tact. My wife, on the other hand, takes great pains to be sensitive to another person’s feeling when she speaks to them. When she has to confront a sinful attitude in someone else, she is careful in choosing her words. She prays over the meeting. She replays the conversation in her head, worrying that she came across too harshly. She deals with people compassionately. I am learning so much from her in this area. I do care about people, and I do want them to live healthy lives that glorify God. Watching my wife, and emulating her, is helping me so much.

            Confront When Necessary I don’t like a fight. I avoid confrontation whenever I can. My wife does not seek out confrontations, but when she sees something that needs to be confronted, she is unafraid to take up that challenge. But, she is not rude or domineering. My wife has a God-given ability to correct and confront people with mercy. She has a great amount of wisdom, and she is able to sift through a lot of information or misinformation to get to the heart of a problem. That in itself is a talent. But, I am amazed at how effectively and mercifully she can analyze a problem, and confront a person commandingly. She can give you a good tongue lashing, and you are thankful that she has done so!! She also helps me confront things that I would like to avoid, generally by giving me a much-needed but merciful “talking to.” And I am grateful to her for holding me accountable to confront wrong and uphold truth. She’s not a punk fighter, she chooses the right fights, and fights them is a godly, upright way.

            Work as a Team We have two kids, ages five and three. Anyone who has raised kids knows that they will wear you down. You also know that they will work every angle to get what they want, even if it means turning their parents against each other. But, in our home, my wife is quick to see that and refuses to fall for it. Her influence has had a positive impact on our family. We are the Hale family. We are a team. Every person has a role to play. Every person in our family has value. We are stronger united than we can ever be individually. And we seek to build each other up. And what a great feeling I receive from building someone else up. I want to extend that outside of my family and build up those I meet in my neighborhood, at my church, and in my community.

            Listen Well All right, so I haven’t learned all of these lessons well. This is a case in point. My wife is teaching me how to be a better listener. And I have a lot of work and many bridges to cross in this area. I am quick to hear part of her speech, and then work of “fixing” a problem for her. I also am quick to formulate my response midway through her speech, rather than waiting to hear all that she has to say and then responding. And, my wife always wants me to respond to her comments, which can be hard for me. I often ask, “What am I supposed to say to that?” and her response is, “You could say, ‘Oh,’ or “Hmmm,” or “I’m sorry to hear that.’” You get the point. Sometimes I’m a dunce. My wife, however, really knows how to listen and listen well. She really values listening and listening well, so she expends effort to make it real. She embodies James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” I’m learning, honey.

            Wow, I am blessed. I serve a great God and have a great life partner. How lucky am I? Here’s to eight more years of growing together and richly growing in the Lord.

For more Faith of This Father, you can like the Faith of This Father page on Facebook or follow on Twitter @faithotfather. Or email me at faithofthisfather@yahoo.com.

Rock Hound

I am a rock hound. I have a small collection of rocks. Of course, these are not run-of-the-mill rocks. I have geodes, rocks with amethyst and quartz, and others. It amazes me that our creative God spent so much time developing the variety we see in these rocks. If I was in the place of God, and I was feeling creative, I might have developed a dozen different style of rocks. If I were in the place of God, and I were creating gemstones, I would have come up with a handful, and called it a day. But, as I look at the world around me, I see so much diversity in rocks and gemstones. Just consider the fact that there are so many types and colors oF sapphire, or ruby, or quartz.

            Then I look around more at the world God created. I see the rich tapestry of color. There are so many hues of color. One body of water can display an almost infinite number of colors. A tree can display a plethora of shades of green and brown. I read somewhere that different cultures see a different number of colors in a rainbow. So, while I see six or seven colors in a rainbow, other cultures see two colors, and other cultures see 20 colors. As I look at the world around me, I begin to see the great tapestry of color that God has created, and see more of the richness God designed.

I love to garden. I am impressed by the variety that can be found in a garden. Not only can one see the different legumes, lettuces, and root vegetables, but one can see so many different cultivars and types of each fruit and vegetable. Have you ever really considered how many types of lavender there are in the world? How many roses are there? Or tomatoes? As I look through a gardening catalogue, I can find three dozen different types of apple trees, or cherry trees, or strawberry plants.

Did you know that a zebra stripes are a lot like human fingerprints? No two zebras have the same set of stripes. Just as no two snowflakes have the same structures, so no two giraffes have the same markings. Isn’t that amazing? It seems that there is no limit to the differences that God can create in our world.

The same is true of humanity. We all are unique (truly one-of-a-kind, not one in every ten thousand).  Would that I could look at people with the same wonder and awe with which I view the rest of God’s creation. But, truth be told, rather than see wonder in the difference, often I am critical of the differences God created in people. Yes, I can appreciate the differences in the sexes. I can appreciate the differences in the races. But, I tend to become more critical of other differences. Why, I ask, is she so emotional? Why is he so tall? Why is his face so plain? Why are her freckles so prominent? While I value the differences in other parts of God’s creation, I often question the value of the differences in people. I think things would be simpler if everyone had the same speaking style, or emotional character. I think things would be simpler if we were all created with similar likes and dislikes, or the same work ethic, or similar worldviews. Do you sometimes find yourself wondering at God’s creation, but questioning His foresight in creating people so differently, like I do?

How shameful that my thoughts run in these ways. Everything that God created is good. But, more importantly, God’s word says that people are created in the very image of God Himself. Unlike a citrine, or a cucumber, or a chimpanzee, people are a reflection of God. Every time we question the value of a person He created, we insult God. Every time we thank Him for the beauty of a mountaintop and do not thank Him for the wonder of a lanky teenage boy, we dishonor God.

So, I will continue to be a rock hound. I will continue to be awestruck by the differences in those rocks I collect. But, they will also serve as a reminder that I need to be awestruck by each and every person God has uniquely formed.

For more Faith of This Father, you can like the Faith of This Father page on Facebook or follow on Twitter @faithotfather. Or email me at faithofthisfather@yahoo.com.

Expecting Too Much from My Kids?

My son turned 5-years-old this week. That means I’ve been a daddy for almost six years. My son, and my three-year-old daughter, have never known a time when their daddy was not a pastor. They are being raised in the church. They are the kids who are always at Sunday school. It is a given that our kids are signed up and attending Vacation Bible School. I am happy about that. I see my children developing a love and appreciation for God.

            I also enjoy the conversations I have with my children – especially my son -- about the Christian faith. As he tries to wrap his mind about the bigger truths of the Bible and doctrine, he can ask some provocative questions. He tries to understand the Trinity. When an elder member of our congregation died, he spent lots of time asking about life and death (“Where do we go when we die?” “What happens to our bodies?” “Will my fish go to heaven?”). He asks where heaven is, why we cannot see God, and what the new heaven and new earth will be like. I treasure his questions and try as best as I can to answer the questions.

            But, I realize that I expect more from my kids than I would typically expect from any other person. Unfortunately, my tendency has been to teach them a false gospel when I expect too much from them. Let me explain what I mean.

            There is no denying that the children of a pastor are held to a different level of scrutiny than other children. They do live in a glass bowl. I know every pastor tells his congregation that he is the pastor, his children are not, and that his children should not be held to a different standard from other children. While we try to uphold that, the truth is that our children are held to a different standard. If my son or daughter “acts up” in worship service, it is noticed more than if another child acts up. Unfortunately, I also expect that my children behave far differently than other children simply because they are pastor’s kids, and I don’t want to be embarrassed. But, my 5-year-old and 3-year-old kids are not fully developed and they are subject to misbehavior and doing things all kids do.

            I also have found that I expect more of my kids outside of the church building. I expect their behavior to be exemplary. While I may not vocalize it, my thought is “If I have told you once, I have told you a hundred times, so why don’t you get it?” If I talked to my son yesterday about why he should not hit his sister, I expect that he will remember the talk, control the emotional response that caused him to hit his sister, and react in the correct way every time. If I told my daughter last week to put away one toy before taking another one out to play with, I become aggravated when she does not do what is appropriate this week.

            Then it struck me, I am expecting my children to do what they are emotionally and sometimes physically incapable of doing. At their ages, they do not have the cognitive ability I expect from them. But, there is something even more damaging at work here.  I am teaching them a works-based, rather than a grace-based faith. For those of you who don’t speak Christianese, what I am saying is that I expect my children to earn my favor through their behavior. I expect that their actions will be appropriately moderated to do what is right. And when it is not “right” I reprimand them.

            Please do not misunderstand; I am not advocating that we not discipline our children. God’s word tells us that our good Father disciplines those he loves (Hebrews 12:7-11, for example). It is right that I expect my children to act in a civil way in public. It is right that I train my children how they are to treat others. It is appropriate to teach my children that they do not fight, or steal, or cheat. However, I find that my unspoken expectation is that you do what is right, because I have already told you what is right; and if you don’t do what is right, you will not earn my favor. How tragic.

            I preach a message that says God by His mercy and good favor draws people to an eternal relationship with Him by what Jesus accomplished on the cross. Jesus became the once-for-all sacrifice to cleanse people of sin and make right what was undone by the Fall. And I preach that there is nothing that we can do in our human strength to earn the favor and mercy of God. We cannot work enough, or do enough, or pay enough to win God’s forgiveness. Instead, He gives it to us as a free, unearned gift.

            That’s what I preach from the pulpit. But at home, I preach a different gospel. I preach that favor can be earned. I preach that works do result in mercy. I preach that you can pay your way (through your right actions) into relationship and blessing. Unfortunately, I fear that too many of us preach this same gospel at home, while proclaiming a vastly different gospel in the marketplace. The truth is that I do love my kids, even when they mess up. I know you love your kids when they drop the ball, too. But, are we being too quick to teach them that what we speak is different than what we truly believe? Are we unknowingly teaching our kids that their perfect Father really does expect certain actions and Reponses in order for them to receive His good gift?        

            I know that God expects that His followers will walk in the good works that He has prepared for them from before the world was created. I know that God is pleased as our walk of faith aligns more closely and perfectly with His perfect way. And I know my Father is not looking at me and thinking, “If I have told you once, I have told you a hundred times, so why don’t you get this?” He certainly could ask that question. And He would be right to reprimand me for my repeated failings. But, instead, I know He looks at me with love. He revels in the “successes” and works through me in the “failures.” And isn’t that what I want to model for my children? Thank God for His goodness to me. It’s time for some grace-based parenting.

My Dirty Little Secret

I have to confess my dirty little secret. I try to hide it from friends when they come to visit me and my family at our home. I attempt to keep up the veneer of respectability by keeping this hidden. And I do a pretty good job at hiding my secret. Yet, whenever friends come over, I fear they will discover the secret. It would be so easy for them to do so. When I go out to my car in the morning, I wonder if my neighbors -- who surely catch glimpses of my secret -- are judging me or talking behind my back. So, I’ve decided it’s time to come clean.

            Watch this video to find out about my secret. Don’t worry; you don’t need to remove your parental controls to view the video. I promise, there is no nudity, just a baring of my soul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CxVBhyVdFs&feature=plcp

Acts of Courage - Flight 93 Remembered

Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13

            This week, we once again remember and commemorate the devastating attacks on the United States that took place September 11, 2001. In the blinking of an eye, we became a nation that was under attack by terrorists, who used four planes to target the World Trade Center buildings, the Pentagon, and an unknown destination. Every year, my generation will recall this date and remember the feelings we had as we watched or heard the events unfolding before us.

            We have heard the story of the fourth plane, United Flight 93, which crashed in the fields of Pennsylvania. The passengers on board heard reports of the other flights, knew that their flight was being used to target another location, and took action to overtake the terrorists and ground the plane out of harm’s way. We know these events transpired based on phone conversations that those passengers had with loved ones moments before they got the upper hand on the terrorists. 

            The events that took place in that plane – some we know, some we can only quess at – have captured my thoughts this past week. I can only imagine the fear that many, if not all, of the passengers felt when the terrorists commandeered the plane. I imagine the fear was heightened as they became aware that the plane would be used as a missile to target and harm others. At some point, everyone on that flight had to know that their lives would end within minutes.

            It is at this point, that I consider the heroism of those passengers. Yes, there were some who took charge and overpowered the terrorists. Others would have stayed in their seats waiting for the end. However, what impresses me is that all of the passengers, I believe, collectively chose to sacrifice their lives in order to save the lives of countless others. That is heroism defined by action. Some may say that the passengers didn’t have a choice, that their fate was already sealed, but I do not think that is true. They did have a choice (albeit a limited choice). They could have done nothing and allowed an untold number also to perish, or they could choose to limit the number of fatalities. They heroically chose the second option. Imagine what may have happened if those men and women chose inaction instead of action.

            As Jesus said, a true friend will lay down his life for another person. In the case of United Flight 93, many men and women chose to lay down their lives for the sake of others. Jesus was telling his disciples that he would soon lay down His life for their benefit. And we are called in many ways to lay down our lives for others. If asked, “Would you put yourself in harm’s way in order to save the life of your spouse or child?” all of us would immediately answer affirmatively. I would, without a doubt, take on death for my wife or my children. Jesus takes it a step further, asking if we would be willing to give our lives for our friends. The passengers of Flight 93 showed us their willingness to give their lives for others by their actions.

            You and I may never be placed in a position where we have to make such a dramatic decision. But, we must be prepared and willing to make that choice should we be asked to. Just as importantly, we are called to give up our lives in much less dramatic ways. You are called to love your spouse as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself up for her. I fall far short of that expectation. How about you? In what ways have you counted others more significant than yourself (Philippians 2:3)? Have you given up your “rights” in order to raise your children with respect? Have you put away petty rivalries you have with your neighbors? I know I have a long way to go in all of these areas. And I know that under my own power, I cannot be the humble, sacrificial person I am called to be. Heroism can be defined not just in the big events, but also in the simple day-to-day events.

            I will never know why the passengers of Flight 93 chose to overtake the terrorists. Did some do so to protect others? Did some do so to uphold, as best as they could, principles of democracy and freedom? Did some do so to honor the United States? Did some do so that our way of life might not be changed? I will never know. But, if I may conjecture, I would guess that at least one person was hoping that his or her last act might bring the challenge to someone to live a better life. Someone surely hoped that his sacrifice would result in other people cherishing their families more. Someone certainly thought her sacrifice might bring hope to someone’s life.

            True heroes are defined by the choices and actions that those heroes make. Do you have the courage to be a hero?

Kindergarten Days

My son began Kindergarten last week. The days leading up to his first day of school were filled with anticipation and preparation. We had to buy clothes for his school uniform. We got a backpack for his work. We prepared a place where all schoolwork could be placed when it comes home. My son had a difficult time sleeping the night before school, and was anxious to get to school that first morning. He barely ate breakfast. At the school playground, he quickly found a new friend, met his teacher, and began the process of adjusting to his new environment. I was excited for him, but also overwhelmed by the passing of time. It seems yesterday I was with his mother in the delivery room, waiting for him to enter this world. The time goes so quickly.

            I also considered my memories from kindergarten. They are few. I remember my first day of school. My teacher told us one of our goals for the school year was to count from 1 to 100. Well, I already knew how to do that. So, I raised my hand, told my teacher I could already count from 1 to 100. She sent me to the teacher’s aid, who listened to me accurately count from 1 to 100, and then count backward from 100 to 1. Thanks, Mom, for investing in my life early on.

            I also remember two humbling experiences. The first came on the playground. My mom had bought me a green sweater that had a pocket with Sesame Street’s Oscar the Grouch on the pocket. The pocket was Oscar’s trash can. I was so proud of my sweater. But, the first day I wore it, kids made fun of it during recess, and started putting playground trash in my trash can pocket. It mad me mad, and embarrassed. I never wore that sweater again, but I could never tell my Mom why I didn’t want to wear it. The other humbling experience came when I was unable to get to the bathroom in time and had an accident. I didn’t have a change of clothes, and I had to be assisted by the teacher’s aid as she hung my wet underwear in the bathroom, and I had to return to the classroom with wet pants. Oh, did I get picked on for that!

            When I started Kindergarten, my Mom was pregnant with my sister. A neighborhood friend, Kimberly, also had a mother expecting a child. Kimberly wanted a baby brother. I wanted a baby sister. This was in a day when you did not find out the baby’s sex before birth. Kimberly and I decided (in a rather naïve, kindergarten way) that if my Mom had a boy, and her mom had a girl that we would exchange the babies during the middle of the night. We figured that nobody would be the wiser, and we would both then get what we wanted for a baby sibling. Yes, we had a lot to learn about anatomy, and a mother’s knowledge of her baby. Amazingly, our mother’s both went into labor on the same day, the babies were both born on the same day, and the ladies shared a room while in the hospital. And, yes, I got my baby sister and Kimberly got her baby brother. No midnight exchanges were needed.

            For some reason, I always had a a difficult time telling my family when something was wrong in my life. A case in point occurred in Kindergarten. It was parent-teacher conference time. My Mom sent me with a note to my teacher asking if they could hold the parent-teacher conference during a carnival fundraising night at the school. My teacher wrote a note giving my Mom an answer, and bobby-pinned the note to my shirt (to this day, I don’t know why teachers used to clip notes to children’s clothing). I took the school bus home that day, with my note pinned to my shirt. You guessed it. Some of the older kids began to tease me, and took the note off my shirt. I couldn’t tell my Mom about the incident, so when she asked about her note, I told her that my teacher said, “Yes.” So, my parents went to the carnival fundraiser, asked my teacher if now would be a good time for the conference, and found out that my teacher had pinned the note to my shirt saying that she would not have the time for a conference that evening. I had to explain to everyone what had happened, and broke down in tears.

            My final memory of Kindergarten is very sad. During that year, my maternal grandfather was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Upon hearing the news, my grandmother had a massive heart attack that evening and died. Her funeral was planned on the same day as my Kindergarten graduation. So, I missed my graduation and sat by my Mom and ailing grandfather that day at my grandmother’s funeral. My grandfather died six weeks later.

            That final memory really resonates with me as I sent my son to kindergarten. We do not know what today or tomorrow holds. Those things we choose to do today, or not do, cannot be redone or replayed. My time with my maternal grandparents was limited to six years. I have such fond memories of both of them. So I want to seize each opportunity I have with my children to create great memories, and to teach them as much as I can. I don’t know what memories my son will take from his Kindergarten year. I pray some of his memories are terrific. I also pray that he has some memories that are embarrassing, or humbling, not because I dislike him, but because I want him to grow through those experiences. Here’s to a fantastic year, with many teachable moments – for my son and for me.

Taking the Initiative

I just read “Stepping Up: A Call to Courageous Manhood” by Dennis Rainey. In the book, Rainey talks about the five life stages of being a man: boyhood, adolesence, manhood, mentor, and patriarch. He spens a lot of time writing about a man’s call to courageously take initiative for his life and his family’s life.

            Taking initiative for our lives and our families is difficult. The truth is that it is easier to remain a spectator as your life passes you by. Changing the momentum of your life by leading is tough. The fact is that it is far easier to go with the flow, letting teaching and growing moments pass you by. The problem is that God has called men to be those who take initiative. God placed responsibility for the Fall on the shoulders of Adam, not Eve. God spoke to Abraham and told him to leave his family and journey to a land that God would show him. King David, so dearly loved by God, was caught in sin when he chose to stay in Jerusalem rather than go to the battlefield, as was expected of the king. Biblical texts tell men to work, discipline their children, love their wives etc. Paul speaks repeatedly of working diligently for the Lord and to provide the resources for his missionary journeys. The Proverbs have many verses stating that the idle will come to harm while the diligent worker will be blessed. And 1 Timothy 5:8 reads, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

            The questions become: Am I taking initiative in my life? Am I taking initiative for leading my family? Am I a diligent worker, or an idle worker?  As I think about these questions, here are some areas in which I think that Christian men are called to take a stand. The list is not exhaustive. An honest look at this list will probably point out areas in which we all fall short in stepping up in leadership. The good news is that there is always time to stop the slow numbing of inertia.

-          Are you faithful in your Christian walk with God? Are you faithful in Bible reading? In Bible study? In prayer? Do you see the marks of maturity and growth in this area?

-          Are you faithful in your allegiance to His church? Are you a regular attender, or a twice-a-year sort of guy? Does everyone know once NFL season starts, that you will disappear from worship services? Are you active in a ministry within your church?

-          Are you a loyal and disciplined worker? Does your boss trust that when giving you an assignment it will be accomplished quickly and efficiently? Do you have a can-do attitude about your work? Are you like Joseph who was regularly promoted because of his strong work ethic? Do you do as much as you can do while you are on the clock? Do you act the same way when people are watching as you do when nobody is watching?

-          Are you a loving husband? Is your love expressed through consistent actions? Do you take the first step in improving and strengthening your marriage? How do you honor your spouse?

-          Are you a teaching father? Do you provide instruction to your children? Are you teaching them life lessons? Are you the leader in proper discipline and training of your children?

-          Are you leading the spiritual growth of your family? Do you have regular family nights? Do you pray with your wife and for your wife? Do you pray with your children and for your children? Do you lead your family to trust in God when making decisions about finances, spending, etc? Does your family see you making decisions that honor God? Do you lead your family to read and trust in the Bible?

-          Are you the leader in ordering your household? Do you have a vision for your household and family? Do you have a plan for how your children are raised? Is your house and yard maintained, or is it the eyesore of the neighborhood?

-          What are you doing to make your community a better place?

Maybe you look at this list and feel overwhelmed and hopeless. It seems that you have failed in too many areas, and you don’t know where to begin. It is not too late to take initiative and make a positive change. Take the one area that most resonates with you and start working on that area. While writing this list, I am fully aware that I am not perfect (or even close to perfect) in any of these areas. There is always room for growth. But, gentlemen, you were created for this. Take the first step.